The Moneyist: My fiance desires me to be free of deed and mortgage on our new house. If I disagree, he says we'll keep engaged without end

Dear Moneyist,

My fiancé – or should I say eternal fiancé because he never wants to get married – shocked me recently when he flatly stated that he wanted to get me off the mortgage and deed on our newly bought waterfront home. We have lived there for a year and pay 50/50 for everything. He didn't want to discuss or talk about buying me, he was more persistent and won't move.

This came after a conversation I instigated and in which I suggested that we see a lawyer to make a will in case either of us dies. The house is growing in value every day due to its location (it's already worth $ 50,000 more) and he wants his children to inherit it. He wants me to pay rent, which essentially leaves my children with nothing.

“I moved from another state and sold my beautiful home to be with this man. He didn't sacrifice anything. "

I didn't want to go out before the interview. I still love him, but I wanted to live a committed life where we could build a future together and live in the same house. I feel like a slap in the face. I am shocked and broken and he makes me feel like I am doing everything about myself. I've already given up on my dream of marriage.

He said if I don't want to pay rent we can live in separate houses and stay tuned forever, which sounds like a big step backwards to me. I am a hardworking person with a very good credit rating and I always pay my half of the mortgage a month in advance. He thinks I'm unreasonable.

I moved from another state and sold my lovely home to be with this man. He didn't sacrifice anything. If I buy my own house I doubt he would stay home with me. I just feel like his decision was influenced by money. I hate the way he makes me emotionally unstable and insecure because I disagree with him.

What should I do now?


Dear Fiancée,

It is unreasonable to ask you to terminate your stake in the property to your husband and get rid of the mortgage – provided the bank would even allow this to be anything but self-evident. The use of a wedding ring and your lucid desire to get married as leverage is despicable.

I disagree with you on one important point: not marrying this man after such a long engagement would be a big step forward as long as you take another leap into freedom with exactly 50% of this house that you bought together to have .

Let me introduce you to the sunk cost fallacy.

Let me introduce you to the sunk cost fallacy: you wait an hour for a bus, so instead of taking a taxi, wait another hour. Or, you could invest $ 100,000 in a bad investment so that you would spend another $ 100,000 to keep it alive or else the first $ 100,000 would be wasted.

This is the dilemma you face with your fiancé. Let's start by deleting the term. It doesn't mean anything other than a promise that something will happen that didn't and probably won't, and I hope, with the right support, you agree that if it did happen, it would be a disaster for you.

If he treats you and your relationship like that now, imagine how he would treat you if you signed your half of the house? Just imagine how he would treat you if you got married, heaven forbid. A girlfriend or wife who pays rent for a house they used to own?

Whatever social contract you signed when you got engaged has now been broken by his indecent proposal. As this house goes up in value, I suggest you both rent it out, live separately, and show him what he thinks you want you no longer want. Or sell the house.

The social contract you signed has been broken.

Did he need you to co-sign this mortgage, or is it just an accidental change of heart? Either way, for the purposes of this dilemma, stop calling him your fiancé and just think of him as someone else who offers you bad deal and uses emotion to get it across the line.

If he tries to get you back, remember, he is who he is. People don't change. A partner who would make such a proposal will not change who they are. All he will do is hang up a different type of wallpaper and move the furniture around to make you think everything is shiny and new.

You stuck with this man not because you wasted years, but because it took so long to learn what you should learn from that experience. Among the lessons: You deserve a good relationship and can face life itself.

You can email The Moneyist at with financial and ethical questions related to coronavirus

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