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The Moneyist: "My father left me twice in my life": I discovered him once I was 30, however he moved in his girlfriend – and disinherited me

My dad left me when I was a baby and he and my mom got divorced. He never paid child support. All I ever knew of him was his name. When I turned 30 and had a 6 year old son, I decided to find him.

With just his name and the reminder that my mom had mentioned that he might live in Oklahoma, I called the information and got three numbers for him. The first number I called was him. We talked and he came to see me and his grandson. (That was the only time he came to us.)

I later had a daughter and my children and I traveled often to see him. My father and I had a real relationship; he called and sent birthday and Christmas cards. My father told me that he never remarried because he knew that one day I would find him and he would be ready.

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"He pulled his girlfriend into his home and gave her access to all of his banking business."

My dad got pretty sick in 2019. He lives in Louisiana and I live in Texas. For years I tried to get him to move closer to me and my children, but Louisiana is his birthplace and home. My father never remarried, but he had a girlfriend I never met until he got really sick.

He has pulled his girlfriend into his home and given her access to all of his banking operations. He withdrew me from all of his bank accounts and I recently learned that he disinherited me and made her his beneficiary. My father left me twice in my life.

His girlfriend doesn't let me know when he's sick or in the hospital – nothing. She blocked me from her facebook and for some reason I am no longer my dad's boyfriend. What would you do? How can parents treat their child like this?

broken heart

YesYou can email The Moneyist with financial and ethical issues related to the coronavirus to qfottrell@marketwatch.com and follow Quentin Fottrell on Twitter.

Dear heartbroken heart

Ultimately, it is a mistake to see an inheritance as a proxy for your father's love.

What would i do I would visit him personally to make sure he is happy and healthy and not a victim of elder abuse for no financial reason. You can contact his family doctor and / or adult protection in his city about your concerns if you fear that this woman is taking advantage of him.

Time and memories build bonds, and I'm not sure if the relationship you have with him – given the time you've spent together – compares to other real-time relationships. He can be a Hallmark Card dad with limitations that you can't change.

First of all, disinheriting a child in Louisiana is very difficult. Reasons for a child to be disinherited are: “The child raised his hand to hit a parent, or actually hit a parent; but a mere threat is not enough; the child has been guilty of cruel treatment, crime or serious injury to one of the parents. "

“Even if you choose to leave all of your belongings to someone else, if you have children who fall into this category, Louisiana law does not allow you to circumvent them. This holds true even if you duly execute a valid Louisiana will and specifically state that you do not want them to inherit, ”said Andries Law Firm.

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Ultimately, it is a mistake to see an inheritance as a proxy for your father's love.

As for your inheritance, you will never get those early years back, and no grand gesture or sum of money will make up for it. The line, "My dad told me he never married again because he knew that one day I would find him and be ready" is confusing – and if he told you this literally, it sounds manipulative, even if he meant it then.

Your father is free to do whatever he wants with his assets – as long as he lives and regardless of your concerns about abuse of older people – but no amount of money means that he or she loved your childhood self in absentia or not. Your worth as a lovable person does not depend on your father – nor on an inheritance from him.

You want him to be someone he isn't. He is a person with weaknesses and mistakes, fears and egocentrism. No wish will make him the selfless, giving person you want, and no amount of money will undo his absence.

Put aside your inheritance concerns – at least for now – and accept it for who it is. When you visit, tell him you love him – even if it's the idea of ​​him that you want to hold onto – and thank him for accepting you as his child when you found him.

You cannot control how your father treats you. You are in control of the value you attach to yourself. Thank him for being who he is. No doubt you have learned more from him about your own strengths and your ability to love than you are aware of.

Then go home to your kids and celebrate those bonds instead. Your children can give you the love that your father did not give you as a child. And you can be the parents of your own children who your father never was to you. You may come back to the subject of inheritance and Louisiana's laws on the subject at a later date.

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