The Moneyist: My mother-in-law is narcissistic. My father-in-law is egocentric. My brother-in-law is amoral. How will we defend our heritage?

My in-laws are difficult: My mother-in-law is bipolar and narcissistic. My father-in-law is completely selfish and my brother-in-law is quite amoral and has no scruples. Trust me on this. My father-in-law and mother-in-law live on my brother-in-law's farm in Florida.

My in-laws pay for lifestyle bills, utilities, animal feed, vet bills, etc., and consistently “lend” money to my brother-in-law without hoping for repayment. By the way, my brother-in-law is a multimillionaire (although he has little money) and has not worked for 10 years. My father-in-law was a teacher in New York City and has a six-figure annual pension.

During my lifelong spending at or outside their financial limits, my in-laws have acquired several valuable items (art, antique furniture, etc.) and have several hundred thousand dollars in the bank due to my father-in-law's pension.

The money is:"He doesn't give me any money": My husband made secret payments to his parents. Should I tell him to stop?

My husband who is wonderful and responsible and I are expecting our first child. (We're so excited.) My husband asked his father to make a will that excludes us but protects his future grandson's legacy.

We both expect his brother to dry my in-laws and take everything valuable for himself. My father-in-law refused to make a will, said "don't worry," and assured us that everything would go well.

Of course, that is no consolation at all. By the way, my mother-in-law suffers from dementia and has to rely on her husband as a caretaker. We cannot count on their help at all on this matter.

What can we do to protect our future child's legacy? Would my FIL's estate be divided equally between its two children without a will? How can we make sure my brother-in-law doesn't dry out his parents?

Thank you very much,

Concerned for my child

The money is: "We're betting on the wrong horse": I co-signed my nephew's $ 55,000 student loan: he has no degree or job. What should we do?

Dear mother,

I am #TeamFIL.

Imagine for a moment if you sent this letter to your father-in-law instead of me. What would he think? You lost me on this line: “My mother-in-law suffers from dementia and is dependent on her husband as a caretaker. We cannot count on their help at all on this matter. "

If you see your mother-in-law's dementia as an obstacle for you and your husband to secure your and / or your child's legacy – they are essentially the same in this situation – the problem is not your in-laws, but you.

Your in-laws made wise financial decisions in their lives. I trust your father-in-law will make wise decisions about his estate. He may or may not have a will. He may or may not give you and your husband and child money. His money. His choice.

Trying to control the behavior of others is a breeze. It can start with your in-laws' estate and go down to the person standing in line in front of you in the bank: "Why can't they move faster?" Why can't you consider me? Why can't you do what I want? "

It is a one-way street into a life of anger and frustration where everyone but you is the problem. If everyone else is the problem – your "selfish" father-in-law, your "narcissistic" mother-in-law, your "amoral" brother-in-law – then you are the problem.

The money is: My wife had a baby in June. She has a student loan of $ 160,000 – and has only asked for my "blessing" to work part time

Every dollar and dime that helps your brother-in-law is a dollar and dime that doesn't go to you. It sounds like a frustrating and annoying situation to you. But it's entirely up to you. It's your father-in-law's money, his son, his relationship, his business.

He can have a will. He can not. But one way to control who your father-in-law gives his money to in his will, provided he has one, is to keep making his business your business and continuing to judge everyone else in your family except yourself.

If I were your father-in-law, maybe I would want to keep helping people after I leave. If he takes care of his wife now, he could hand over his fortune to the Alzheimer Foundation of America or the Dementia Society of America, which help older people like your mother-in-law.

When you are trying to control other people's actions and spending your time convincing them to see the world from your perspective, you are effectively playing God. That is probably the most impossible role in this life. Instead, play the roles of wife, mother, friend and kind daughter-in-law.

Living a life where you don't want anything from anyone is a liberating and happy place. You have a child on the way. Your husband cares about you and it sounds like you think about the world from him. You have a lot of good things in your life. Instead, focus on these non-monetary gifts.

Be #TeamFIL too.

You can email The Moneyist at with any financial or ethical questions. Would you like to read more?Follow Quentin Fottrell on Twitterand read more of his columns Here.

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